Every mother wants the good of her baby and will try to transmit all the love and warmth she is capable of from the very first days to ensure the well-being of her puppy.
Despite the awareness that a mother always gives her best, many will have encountered moments or phases of doubt, in which we question ourselves and ask ourselves “Am I doing well?”, “What mother am I?”.
Many answers to these questions can be found in some psychological studies and in particular in those of Bowlby and Ainswort, which highlighted how the establishment of a “safe” bond of attachment between mother and child influences the healthy development of the latter and its ability to deal with emotions and relationships in adulthood.
THE ROLE OF THE PARENT
The following indications are only food for thought on one’s “being a mother” and on some possible weaknesses. It is important to underline that being a mother with an “insecure” attachment to her child does not mean being bad parents or not loving one’s children, but simply having a behavior that is not completely functional to face some educational situations.
According to the aforementioned scholars, the role of a parent should be to provide a secure basis: that is, the child must be aware that he is being supported and that he has someone at his side to turn to in times of need. The presence of an adult of this type alongside (which does not necessarily have to be the mother) is the prerequisite that allows the child to explore, learn and grow.
Based on the type of bond between the child and the person who mainly takes care of him and the latter’s ability to be a “safe base” for the child, it is possible to identify three attachment styles
THE THREE STYLES OF ATTACHMENT OF THE BABY TO THE MOTHER
1. – secure attachment: the child feels that he has protection, a sense of security, affection from the reference figure. This pattern is promoted by a parent who is readily available, sensitive to the child’s cues and lovingly ready to respond to their emotional needs (fears, tantrums, frustrations, etc.). In laboratory tests (usually to study the type of attachment mother and child are placed under observation in a playroom) safe children are those who explore the environment and play under the watchful gaze of the mother, interacting with her. If the mother leaves the room, the child is upset, but upon his return he calms down and allows himself to be consoled
2. insecure attachment (“avoidant” type): it arises in those children whose mothers soon push them to become “little men”, that is, they learn to be self-sufficient from an early age, to avoid whining and the expression of negative emotions and feelings. An example of behaviors indicative of such an attachment between parent and child are the following responses to the child’s whims, tending to minimize the child’s frustrations and empower him: It’s ridiculous that you don’t want to go to kindergarten. I am tired of this behavior, you are no longer a baby. Act great! It is no coincidence, therefore, that it has been observed that children belonging to this category explore the play environment ignoring the mother, are indifferent to her leaving the room and do not allow themselves to be approached when she returns.
3. insecure type of attachment (“anxious-ambivalent” type): these children are themselves more weepy and anxious than the average. In this case, the children feel that the mother is not always fully available: at times the parent listens to them and supports them, at other times he is nervous or moody and does not give them enough attention. These children therefore never know whether to trust or not and this creates more fears and uncertainties in them than in other cases. This attachment is fostered by the use of threats of abandonment as a means of control (eg, “If you’re not good, Mom doesn’t want you anymore”). For this reason, these children are prone to the fear of separation, they tend to cling to the mother and often make tantrums and scenes to attract her attention (for example the little one will tend not to move away from the mother for fear of not finding her anymore and when she leaves him in kindergarten and then goes to pick him up will show angry with the parent).
However, what many parents do not know is that the attachment developed during childhood can also have a strong impact on couple relationships … The way in which we seek the attention and closeness of our partner can have roots in the relationship we had. developed by children (and which we are also pouring with our puppies).
In a recent book, which seems made especially for “romantics” and psychology lovers, (Tell me how you love and I’ll tell you who you are, by Heller-Levine, ed. TEA), it is possible to discover one’s “profile” in life amorous and have fun understanding if you are anxious and affectionate like a koala, elusive and free like an eel or balanced and confident like a dolphin.
For greater awareness on how to improve one’s relationships, a counseling course (individual or in couple) can also be useful.