A child represents the continuity of his own Self, makes the life of a parent lasting even after his death. It is therefore considered a unconditional and universal love. On the other hand, there are many circumstances in which the refusal of a child and it is for this reason that, although it can be generalized, it is still good to refer to the context in which all this happens.
The life of an adult is not always simple: it is characterized by various previous experiences that bring with them pain and disappointment but also a cultural background that necessarily affects the relationship with their children. Once internalized, what one experiences and that characterizes the bond with one’s parents becomes a “affective-relational model.
Whether it is constructive or dysfunctional, it is unconsciously proposed in all contexts in which one relates. Even the refusal itself can become an expression of that model.
The causes may be different and therefore it is not possible to generalize:
An unwanted pregnancy. An occasional relationship or “an accident on the way“, As the outcome of a relationship that had no reproductive purpose is often defined, has the ability to generate rejection in the woman so as to warn in an almost sequential manner, surprise, anger and denial of pregnancy as well as a possible depressive state which follows an emotional detachment. If the woman decides to keep the baby clearly, the situation could improve and turn into a positive experience, otherwise she will immediately manifest an emotional and affective separation from the fetus and then from the unborn child.
- The education learned. An education that is too rigid and poor in emotional and physical exchanges leads to a lack of expansiveness. The shortcomings of hugs, kisses, spontaneous physical contacts, and that are part of any emotional relationship, can ultimately be compensated by a verbalization and therefore not necessarily affect the psychic level. It happens instead of the absence of both physical and verbal “caresses” they produce an emotional distancing that undermines the relationship and inevitably the affective growth of the children. Unaffectivity is inevitably experienced as rejection. An emotional distance, which no one can shorten, leaves room for various psychological problems, often of a considerable nature.
There jealousy of the other. Another case can be defined as jealousy towards a child manifested by one of the two parents. The third party can be considered an “intruder” or even a “rival” who has occupied a position that was not his or her own or shows to be better than those who do not succeed. It is therefore not only rejected but opposed and discredited both on an emotional and relational level and on a strictly personal one.
- A son of others. A new union between two new partners, in turn divorced and with children, often brings with it unresolved problems. The dynamics that are established between adults and the generation of children are not always healthy and, precisely because the previous experience may have involved pain and suffering, the children of the other are considered strangers. Being the parent of blood makes the difference and this leads to the denial of everything that is part of the past. Children take away space and time from everything, even from the new partner, refusal therefore becomes a way to show their disappointment and opposition to the lack of centrality in the couple relationship.
- A restorative pregnancy. A marriage or a relationship that is now at an end is often “saved” by the birth of a child who, however, carries an enormous responsibility on himself. It is easy, in fact, that it can become the scapegoat for unresolved couple conflicts. His role is difficult and problematic and often at odds with either of them. The “reparative” children to whom no historical importance is attributed in the life of the couple but who becomes the holder of their forced union are rejected because ultimately the relationship is denied and therefore everything related to that difficult period. The son did not therefore fulfill the role attributed to him, that is, he did not save the couple!